My name is irrelevant but my story is very real. I may not have suffered what is considered to be severe sexual abuse but I was impacted greatly by what happened to me. When I was eight I spent the night at my older friend’s house and she kept wanting to play games that felt wrong but nothing explicitly sexual ever happened. This continued for about a year as I would spend the night at her house every two weeks. One night she said to me, “I have a great game, it’s like playing house but it’s for older kids”. She proceeded to describe to me what was in her terms “an opposite world” in which we were husband and wife.
As the wife I had to do things like kiss her. This made me very uncomfortable so she said that if I didn’t kiss her that she’d have to kiss me and she did.
After this incident she coaxed me into getting into her bed with her and from this point I am uncomfortable discussing specific actions but it was my first exposure to any form of sexual activity. I was terrified and did not know what to think because I suddenly felt aroused by some of her actions but I also felt entirely guilty for participating. From then on I felt like I was disgusting and vile and that no one could love someone who allowed their self to tricked into such acts. I felt so guilty for the actions and the fact that they felt good to me but I knew they were wrong. I knew that love was not taking advantage of someone’s innocence and naivety but I felt that it was my fault for being so innocent and naive at the time. When I was eleven I began self harming because I felt so displeased with who I was and what “I had done.” This lasted until I was fifteen and I broke down.
I was helped through a Christian counselor and my mother who experienced sexual abuse as a child also. I realized that I could not have carried on telling myself that this situation was my fault and I now know that it was not my fault and I forgive the person that I used to consider a friend. I also realized through a conversation that I had with her that she is a victim also, she only did this to me because it had been done to her by another “friend” when she was younger. I am not saying that it was not her choice to do this but I know that she experienced it also and it negatively impacted her.
Today I am extremely confident in who I am and I know that no matter what happened in my past, people can not judge me for being a victim and they will not judge you. For those who are afraid to tell about their abuse, you will never heal until you are free from the burden of holding your “secret”. IT WAS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE YOUR FAULT THAT YOU WERE ABUSED! No one who truly values you will judge you for being a victim. There are places that you can receive help from, please take advantage of them.
