Hialeah, Florida

Things can be so ironic at times. Who would have ever thought that I would find this website in a flier inside an enveloped that was addressed to my rapist? I started to cry when I found it. Not because I haven’t gotten over what happened to me, but because he had seen this very same flier about “donating to prevent child abuse” and how to help out, but that still didn’t stop him…

I am now 18 years of age, and like everyone else on this website sharing their story, I am a sexual abuse survivor.

How did it start? I can’t even remember how it started to be honest. It had been happening for as long as I can remember, by my own father who was an alcoholic. My mom would be sleeping and that’s when he would come into my room and molest me. I would go into the details about the horrible things he would do to me, but its way too painful for me. All I want you to know is that he would do it to me every night, for years.

He did horrible things to me that should never be done to anyone. Especially a child. It got to a point where I was even okay with it and I would go into his room when my mom wasn’t there and undress myself for him. When I explained this to the police officers and my psychologist I was told that my father “groomed me” – for those of you who don’t know what that is, it when you’re rapist psychologically trains, and brain washes you to do what he wants.

My dad was the type of man who loved to be in power and in control. He was the head of my household and the only one that was able to work. He only made only enough to pay for my household and food. My mom couldn’t work at the time because she was an illegal alien in this country and in the process of getting her papers. He knew this and he made me know this. He told me that if I ever opened my mouth, me and my mom would be left to die out in the streets. He made sure I never told anyone because if I did, he showed me the gun in his closet and his hunting knife, and he said he would kill me. He would constantly threaten to kill me with the knife. He would lock me in a room with him when my mom was out for groceries and he would put the blade of the knife against my wrist.

I was raped until the age of around 13 years of age when my father had a stroke and became paralyzed from all of his left left side. (I guess, bad things really do happen to bad people, huh?) I thought this is when the abuse finally ended, but I was wrong. Sadly, it didn’t…it only got worse.

I wasn’t physically abused anymore, but I was emotionally abused. For years I hated myself, because in my eyes I would never be a virgin. I couldn’t enter a church, I thought God hated me and I thought it was all my fault. I attempted suicide several times. I went from swallowing blood-pressure pills, to trying to drown myself in a pool and having to be pulled out by my mom and given CPR. I went into a huge depression. I would lock myself in my walk-in closet at night and cry myself to sleep. I would wear sweaters to school with cuts on my wrist from razor blades. I didn’t have many friends in high school except for my best friend and a few others, but none of them knew.

The only person who ever got to know was my boyfriend, because I trusted him and I fell deeply in love with him, and one day planned on having sex with him. I thought it was only fair for him to know after two years of being together, that if I ever wore a dress at my wedding, it would never have a true meaning. He understood and he didn’t care. He accepted me. And he told me in his eyes I would always be a virgin to him.

I felt okay for awhile, but as the days passed by my dad started getting better and being able to walk and speak correctly. He also started to gain back his memory. After a stroke a lot of people don’t remember a lot of events because they experience brain damage, but after time they can start remembering again. He began calling me a slut and a bitch for having a boyfriend. There started to be times when he would try to hit me for no reason when my mom wasn’t there. But he was weak and I was older and able to fight back. Once I got so furious I grabbed a broomstick and hit him with it and knocked out his teeth because he started chasing me to hit me.

A couple of days after that, I had a fight with my mom because my dad starting getting things into her head that I was having sex with my boyfriend and that I was a slut…I wasn’t just to clear that out. My mom, not knowing anything of course believed it, so I ran away.

I started living with my boyfriend, and honestly that was the worst mistake of my life. At first, I explained the situation to his parents and his mom loved me. She was more than happy to take me in. She said the same thing happened to her as a child. Little did I know that his mom was a drug abuser and alcoholic and that his dad was an abuser himself. My boyfriend had told me the stories about his dad being violent, but one thing is hearing about something and another thing is witnessing it in front of your eyes.

It was so sad to see his mom drugged up every night. It made me depressed. But it was sadder and scarier to see my boyfriend’s dad grab him by the neck in front of me and watch him smash him against a wall, while his little sister was screaming. His dad was also an alcoholic and when he was drunk he did crazy things… He would grab my boyfriend’s mom by the hair and drag her up the stairs calling her a “stupid bitch” while she was screaming. This would happen continuously and when ever it happened, my boyfriend would grab me and hug me.

One day it got really bad. Me and my boyfriend were sleeping and it was about 3 a.m. when we heard fighting upstairs from the bedroom. Then we heard a smash of a glass and a whole bunch of things drop upstairs. Me and my boyfriend got up and ran outside the room. Then we saw his mom running down the stairs screaming, “Please call the police!” My boyfriend grabbed his phone but he couldn’t call the police. He started crying and handed me the phone and said, “You do it.” I ran to the backyard and that’s exactly what I did. Shortly after that, the police arrived and arrested my boyfriend’s father.
His mom stopped doing drugs for awhile, but then she started again and didn’t stop. I contacted my mom and told her I wanted to meet up with her. I let her know what had really happened with my dad. All she did was started to cry. She told me she couldn’t do anything because she gets paid minimum wage and my dad’s disability checks paid the rent for the house. She told me I was allowed to live with my boyfriend and she would send me a little bit of money whenever she could.

After that, my boyfriend’s mom only got worse, and she started telling my boyfriend it was my fault her husband got arrested. My boyfriend would start accusing me of this, and we started fighting a lot. He was confused. I mean, it’s not the easiest thing losing someone you love. I tried to convince his mom to stop abusing the drugs, but it was no use. My boyfriend’s mom called my mom and said I was causing her nothing but problems and my boyfriend ended up telling my mom he never wanted to see me again.

One day, my mom picked me up from school and told me, “You’re not going back to your boyfriend’s house ever again. You’re coming back home.” That is when I had my first anxiety attack and I blanked out completely in my mom’s car. She didn’t know what to do so she took me back to talk to my boyfriend. When I got there, my boyfriend told me he never loved me and he never would love me and to get out. I grabbed all my stuff and left.

I called my best friend and asked him if I could stay over for a couple of days, and he said yes. I explained again what happened to my best friend’s mom, and she taught me how to love God. She took me to church and she told me even if I didn’t want to, I would have to forgive my dad and go back home with my mom because I was only a child.

I listened to her and went back. It didn’t work though, I couldn’t forgive my dad. I started developing severe anxiety in my house. I didn’t have my boyfriend anymore who would give me support. I was alone. My mom decided to get me a therapist for the anxiety because I was getting to the point that I couldn’t eat anymore without puking after every meal and my ribs were beginning to show.

I love my psychologist and up to this day I thank her because she is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

My dad is now in jail. It has only been about 4 months since he got arrested, but he has been sentenced for 30 years in jail and me and mom have a restraining order against him.

As for my boyfriend, I ended up seeing him at a friend’s party and he apologized for everything. He broke down into tears in front of me and told me his dad got out of jail and his mom got arrested for a DUI for getting caught drunk driving, and that she was under strict surveillance with the police. She is constantly drug tested and she has to blow into this special device to see if there is alcohol in her system. His mom is truly sorry for everything and even called my mom saying she was sorry about my dad and to tell me she’s sorry. I haven’t found it in my heart to forgive her yet. Its been almost over a year since I have talked to her or seen her. I ended up forgiving my boyfriend, but it took a long time before he gained back my trust. Me and my boyfriend are still together up to this day and are extremely happy.

I know I wrote a lot and most people might not even read the whole thing, but it doesn’t matter. This is MY story about how I became a SURVIVOR. To whoever does read this, you have to love yourself for who you are and who you want to be in the future. You have to be strong, because just like everyone who has a survival story, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! (:

I am in college and one day I hope to become an oral-maxillo facial surgeon. I am determined to help my mom out so she can one day retire and not have to worry about finances or money ever again in her life. Goodbye, and if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading my story.