It all started when my older sister & I lived with my grandparents because my father was busy running his two businesses and my mother who worked for him. I was 2 years old when the abuse first started. My sister is two years older than me and she was always out of the house at preschool and after school programs. My cousin, who lived with my grandparents attended the high school that was ever so conveniently placed across the street from where my grandparents lived.
My grandpa would be at work the whole day leaving my grandma to attend to me. My cousin would walk to school and come home for lunch every day. He would take me up into his room because he knew that my grandma would always fall asleep during her soap operas. He would shut & lock the door, hand me my cabbage patch doll & turn on Teletubbies & to be quiet. It was not right. & I knew that. But I was terrified of what he would do. Once I screamed & told him no & he slapped me so I learned quickly to never speak again.
I will never forget the glowing stars upon the ceiling & the way he smelled & looked. The abuse started when I was 2 and went on until i was roughly 7. It happened every single day of those 5 years except on occasions on the weekend. This may sound disgusting – but I would poop & pee myself all the way until I was 7 so that he would not want to touch me when he got home. But nothing I did ever stopped him. He would just clean me up & get angry that I wasted time & I would get it ten times worse. The worst part of all is that I loved my grandparents. I always wanted to go to their house because they were my everything. My role models. They taught me right from wrong. They put me to bed & tucked me in. I felt safe around them until my cousin came. They trusted him. Everyone in the family trusted him. He almost got caught one time when my grandma woke up from her nap & came up stairs wondering where I was. He threw on my pants & told me “do not open your f*****g mouth” & he told my grandma that I was sleeping & watching T.V. She was extremely pissed that the door was locked & that it was taking him so long. But she didn’t ask any further questions.
I started living with my parents & older sister at our house in 2000 when my little sister was born. I was six when she was born & if I needed to be babysat then the abuse would still occur. I kept my mouth shut from everyone for 7 years. My cousin was deployed to Iraq & I would be forced to talk to him on the phone. (I used to secretly hang up on him after I said hi & just sat & talked to myself so my mother wouldn’t think anything). I began having flashbacks while he was away & I didn’t understand why. I then realized I had convinced myself it was a dream – that the abuse was all a dream. I went in my older sister’s room that night & asked if she liked our cousin. We were never close before & had never had a serious talk. She finally got it out of me & bursted into tears. She explained that it happened to her to & that she was sorry that she didn’t protect me. After that I didn’t feel okay. I became a heavy cutter. I cut everyday & still do (but not to the extent that I used to). I have tried to kill myself multiple times, I became a drug addict to the point the doctor said to my face I don’t know how you’re still here & I was admitted into a psych ward at 16. The worst part is – my sister & I had to be bridesmaids in his wedding, and the marriage didn’t even last a year.
I went through intensive therapy while I was in the psych ward & continued it after. I finally told my psychologist & then my mother. My sister resented me for telling at first, but now she thinks that it is the best thing that I could have done. We are now inseparable & I want to protect my younger sister from him. My father still does not know to this day & probably will never know. My family likes to keep emotional things to ourselves, which is why I resorted to cutting & drugs.
My mother & aunt confronted my cousin when he returned from Iraq & he confessed. Nothing happened to him. Nothing. I feel like I destroyed my “perfect” family for nothing. I still feel like what happened was my fault & that the disfunction of my family is upon myself too.
I will always be triggered & I will always struggle. But that does not mean that I cannot overcome.
This is only part of my story.
But I stood up & spoke out.
